It’s silly how much I hate my sixth form. It’s at the same school I’ve been at for the last 5 years, which doesnt help because it’s mostly full of people I dont like and couldnt trust as far as I could throw. Im not sure if it’s the atmosphere that “I dont actually HAVE to be here”, that is making me so unmotivated and depressed that I actually am there.
So, some backstory. I’ve taken Maths, Physics, Economics and Modern History as my courses. I got straight As in my GCSEs, with one A* in History. I would like to go on and study history further, and hopefully take it up as a career, but from what I can gather it is very much a niche industry with few career opportunities. My parents basically demanded that I took either maths or english as an A-Level, which I suppose is fair enough as my only priorities where economics and history at the time of choosing. I hated them both but didnt find maths too difficult so I went with maths, thinking that such a subject would give me a good spread and open up more options. Oh, was I sorely mistaken. It’s the most ridiculously difficult thing I’ve ever attempted. As I said I hate maths anyway, so couple that with the fact that I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to use all these stupid equations and theorems at any single point beyond my A-levels means I literally cannot be arsed with it 1% of the time. The lessons just pass me by and go way over my head, I furiously scribble down formulae that are totally meaningless to me. I have a modular exam after the holidays, the thought of having to teach myself the whole thing through christmas makes me want to give up. I dont know why I never asked for help, maybe I thought it’d click eventually like everything at school has throughout my life, maybe it was because i was too damn embarassed to come clean and admit that I cannot understand the first thing about AS mathematics.
On to physics, well, I decided I should probably choose a science, for no other reason that it will look good on my CV. In both phsyics and biology I was only a few points off an A* so it was a tossup between the two, although I went with physics because I thought it’d accompany maths well. Again, BIG mistake. It’s just a million more equations that you have to memorise, and again, I have no desire to use these things ever again.
Economics and history are OK. But right now, halfway through my first year of college/6th form, I just feel like the next year and a half will be the hardest and most depressing of my life…But then, after that…UNIVERSITY. YIPPEE, more work, but guess what? DEBT. YAY. Dont get me started on what I imagine i’ll be doing for the following 40 years of my life, I just have no clue whatsoever, the outside world is just one huge scary monster I want to hide away from. I want no part of it. I’m not good enough at maths or physics to get a wellpaid job in science, I’d imagine that even if you’re good at economics (one of the best in my class) you’d need a good maths grade to get a job related to it, and history has few career opportunities. My parents (mother in particular) are really putting pressure on me to do anything other than history for this reason. I suspect they are simply protecting me from a bleak future of unreliable employment.
Anywaaay, like I said socially I have the appeal of a bumblebee to most people, and now my grades are failing. I just have no idea what to do. If I hear the words “work harder” again I think I’ll lose the will to live. I just dont know who to talk to and so I cry for help on the internet.