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What Do You Think Of The Prologue Of My Story?

The market was a bustle of life. People in stalls were selling or trading, and those walking on the street were carrying purses full of coins just waiting to be spent. There was no room to walk, no room to breathe, and guards scoured the area with their watchful eyes. This was the market of Tanis, the capital city of Actea, taking place every year in the five days leading up to Midsummer’s Day. Hundreds of people from throughout Actea travelled here, to sell, buy and trade.
What the people didn’t know was that their prince was among them. In disguise, the prince Arrow would come here every year, and find a way to destroy someone’s fun. At this very moment, the prince was casually eating a mango that he had stolen from a family from the south.
Suddenly, someone’s hand latched itself onto Arrow’s arm. He tried to pull away, but the tiny fingers wouldn’t budge. He felt himself being pulled to the left, but there were so many people there he couldn’t tell who it was. The hand that grasped him belonged to a child, but someone with extraordinary strength. Trying to pry free from the grip, Arrow tried to pull away, but the person wouldn’t budge.
In a few moments, Arrow found himself in an alleyway, and the hand belonged to a girl – she appeared to be about five or six years old. She was small, delicate looking, but beautiful. Her dark hair reached her hips, and her eyes were astoundingly big – but they were a milky white – no iris, no pupil. Whether she was blind or not, Arrow couldn’t tell, but he was wondering why she had pulled him away. Was she a messenger of the spirits?
“What do you want?” Arrow hissed.
She did not answer, but merely gripped him tighter. After a few seconds of silence, she began to speak. Her voice was very soft, yet she sounded a lot older than she should have – not the voice of an adult, but at least as mature as eleven or twelve. “I know your secrets, my prince. I know your future. That which you fear will one day become your saviour, and those you trust will become your enemies. You will fall in love with the girl with the green eyes, but she will be torn away from you the moment you declare your love. You will one day leave this country, never to return…” She closed her eyes, and slowly let go of him, stepping back into the shadows.
“One more thing… there will be a battle in your future, but the bigger battle will be the one inside of you. Beware that you do not become that which you will try so hard to prevent. Don’t become the villain.”
Sorry I know it’s kind of long. I’m fourteen, if it matters… Also, can anyone think of a better name for the protagonist? I’m not as keen on “Arrow” as I was a while ago (it’s just a nickname, because he’s a champion at archery, but he has no real name that is mentioned)

No Responses to “What Do You Think Of The Prologue Of My Story?”

  1. Asd says:

    Your story is very interesting and descriptive!
    Some of the things I didn’t like in the story was:
    -the princes name (arrow, seriously?)
    -The way how the little girl appears is a bit too sudden for me (idk? maybe its me?)
    Other than that your story would make me read it!

  2. Gloria says:

    D: it sounds…. amazing!! I like the name Arrow or if you don’t like the name Arrow you can use…
    Carson
    Drew
    Evert
    Liam

  3. *just a person with a question* says:

    Wow! I am 14 and it sounds REALLY cool!! :))
    Maybe give the prince a basic name such as William or Will for short!
    Good luck! I like it! 🙂

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