It seems like a reoccurance for all my life – not fitting in anywhere. I thought university would change things but I feel I have no niche at all. Joining societies and meeting people elsewhere is fine for most people – but with my course I spend a lot of time with my coursemates and am going to – for more than the standard 3 years. So it would make sense I find my closest friends there. But at the moment I feel so **** all the time, lonely – in a crowded room (now I really can apprciate that phrase ;(), angry (at others and myself) and bitterness.
I know I’m being judgemental about people but I KNOW I don’t fit it. There are some nice people but I can’t see myself being best friends with them because we’re SOSO different. I know people can be friends with different interests, it’s just that I have not found anyone with similar interests.
I feel depressed at the prospect of going to university for a long time – just for the degree, and not enjoying myself. I even thought of dropping the course, reverting back to my hermit lifestyle back home.
I’m just so sick of it all – all my life I feel left out, different and isolated. There’s been issues with just about every aspect of my uni life so far – I regret getting in now. No friendships developing with flatmates, coursemates.
I feel apathetic all the time and have no motivation to do anything. Before I used to study all the time – and my reward would be my high grades. I thought this would change during university – that I’d actually have friends I could party and hang around with who enjoyed my company and vice versa. I suppose I dreamed a little unrealistically. It’s so depressing that I used to think it’ll be over soon, and I’ll be out of here (school etc) with good grades, then I can find some friends… But now all this is just happening again.
University has made me shallow, insecure, and bought out some negative qualities in me – that perhaps were lurking there anyway. But mostly it’s made me feel very low, but is supposed to be one of the best times of my life.