Okay, well this is going to be a really long post, but I just have to throw it out there. Hopefully someone will be able to help. For starters, I’m an eighteen year old male freshman in college. When I was a little kid, my family lived in a small apartment, and every night, I would have terrible dreams about the devil. There was a shadow of a tree outside and I thought it was the devil coming to get me. When we moved into another larger apartment, I began school. It was at this time that I began to have violent, and random, gagging. I would always get extremely nervous about going to school, and I would go to the nurse frequently. I would gag, but nothing would come out. Sometimes, I would have this recurring dream about being in a forest and collecting twigs. I would put these twigs into a machine that counted them. No matter how many I put in, it would never go past 99. At this point, I would wake up to find myself gagging in the bathroom and my mom next to me. It would happen like at least once a week. When I was in elementary school, there was this girl I had a crush on. I would actually have sexual dreams about her. I was in a dark room with a beautifully red, king-sized bed. She was dressed in red lingerie. I would them dream about shrinking into a small size and jumping into her mouth. Keep in mind that I had absolutely no knowledge of sex or how it even worked. I’m ashamed to say that I figured out how to masturbate at a very young age. Before puberty, even. I would constantly rub my you-know-what against things to feel a great sensation. Anyways, fast-forward to now. Now, I’m an extremely socially awkward person. I don’t know how to talk to people, and I always come on as shy or mean. However, with my mom and dad, I’m my normal energetic self. They are the only people that I can be myself with. Not even my older brother and sister know the real me. I seem to have developed this overwhelming connection to my mother. Every time I’m sick or sad, and I see her or hear her voice, I immediately forget everything and am happy again. I absolutely hate having conversations with people, but for some reason, I can have long conversations with my mother. When I finally went to college, the hug that was the hardest to give was to my mother. It took a while, but I’ve gotten used to the college atmosphere. I have absolutely no friends. In fact, I’ve never had an actual friend before. When I was a kid, I lost a friend because he wasn’t sharing his game. I guess that’s my fault. Throughout elementary and junior high, I had no friends. In high school, I joined band and met new people, but never joined a group or niche. I was friend-zoned by a girl my junior year. She called me her best friend and confided in me. However, she would never want to hang out in public, and only hung out with me when no one was around. She would always ignore me when she talked to other people. Once, when she was talking to another person, I tapped her shoulder, and she didn’t even turn around. She just kept talking to the other person. After that, I never made another friend. I talk to myself A LOT and pretend that someone is having a conversation with me. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and I’ve been consumed by strong sexual impulses. I used to masturbate three to four times a day, and now, I never feel orgasms. This worries me deeply. I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve created an imaginary girlfriend. I don’t think about this imaginary girlfriend sexually, though. I didn’t really create her in my head. I saw this really pretty girl one day, and I decided make a fantasy world where me and her are dating. There was one girl in high school, and my entire life, that actually sent me a note telling me she liked me. I never responded and avoided her for the final months of my senior year. I just didn’t like her. Personality wise and physically. She wasn’t ugly. She just kind of looked really premature. It felt really weird being on the other end of the dating game, or whatever you’d call it. Anyways, as for my sensitive gagging, I’ve gotten a lot more resistant. I only gag in extreme situations now, and those weird dreams stopped when I got to the sixth grade. Now I want to talk about my faith. I was raised as a catholic. However, I’ve been having serious doubts about my belief in God. After reading stuff like Nietzsche, Dostoevsky, etc., I’ve started to question my faith. I came to the conclusion that I only believed in God out of fear. The fear of Hell drives me to believing in God. I WANT to believe in God. I WANT to believe that there is some sort creator, but there’s just so much evidence out there that suggests otherwise. I know that God is beyond human logic, but by saying that, you are USING human logic, so just contradicts itself. I used to pray every night, and now I just don’t anymore. Anyways, I hope someone can answer this.