1) I have zero friends.
2) I like feeling sorry for myself – it makes me feel better in a twisted kind of way.
3) I’m 18 and I feel like I’m alive but not living.
4) I have 8 siblings and they all have someone close to them out of our siblings. I’m the middle child and I have no one. I feel so lonely because I can’t talk to them about anything, nor talk to my friends considering I don’t have any.
5) Never had a boyfriend (not looking for one and don’t care), but how am I ever going to settle down in the future if I can’t even get people to talk to me. Even when I make the first move, they only give short replies and I feel awkward. I’m not ugly or anything but I don’t understand (this will obviously contribute to my lonely future).
6) I attract perverts. Strangers seem to like me and they’re really old.
7) I am secretly depressed. Have been since the age of 13.
8) I want to cry all the time.
9) I feel like my heart is being squeezed and like I’m suffocating.
10) I hate people. I hate everyone. Every time I see people I think to myself ‘thank God I’m not like them – they look stupid [what they’re doing]’ I don’t think I’m better than them, but everyone’s behaviour pisses me off.
11) I think about death a lot. Not necessarily me killing myself. But I think about death and how one day none of us will be here. I would be looking out of the window on the bus and thinking ‘see that woman over there, she might not be alive tomorrow’ ‘what’s the point of living/life’ ‘how am I going to cope if my mum dies? [has to hold back tears in case anyone notices that I’m crying on the bus]’. I always have thoughts like that. I even hate it when my parents say they’re going on holiday, because the first thing that comes into my head is death. What if they die or the plane crashes? I know it’s unlikely but I can’t help it.
12) I can’t talk about my feelings to anyone because I start to cry. I’m so weak that it’s pathetic. I have never told anyone I love them or care about them, not even my parents because I don’t want to cry in front of them.
13) Girls always use me but never befriend me.
14) I feel like my life lacks purpose. All I know is that I enjoy crying, and writing about my feelings in my diary when they’re too intense.
15) I am so completely and utterly lonely that I have to pretend I enjoy my own company. I look at people laughing with their friends and I’m just standing on the sidelines observing and wishing that were me. That’s all I ever do: observe. I want a piece of that too but I can’t have it.
16) I’m painfully shy and quiet. I get embarrassed over almost everything. My dad always used to tell me I’m embarrassing him when I was a kid and I suppose it stuck. Every time I do something I get so embarrassed and wish the ground would swallow me up even though it’s nothing embarrassing [logically]
17) I talk to myself in my head a lot. I have conversations with myself.
18) I spend a lot of time under my duvet reading fiction novels to escape my pathetic life.
19) The only good thing to have come out of this is that my writing is really good according to my teachers. They say I can articulate myself very well and they enjoy reading all of my assignments. My tutor even told me I should consider a future in creative writing. But I’m going into nursing (this September).
I have always felt like this. All I’ve ever wanted to do is cry and feel sorry for myself. For some twisted reason, I enjoy it – it makes me feel better and worse at the same time. I need some advice please!