when i was younger i used to be really good with kids my own age and i was one of the popular kids but that slowly started to change around 5th grade. throughout my childhood we moved a lot because my parents were into the housing market, so i never had any longterm friends. but we settled down when i was in 5th grade and i went to an elementary near my grand parents house because of my parents schedual they needed my grand parents to take me to school and bring me home.so in 5th grade something happened that changed me. instead of being a popular kid and getting along with people i just sort of left them alone i didn’t feel like talking to them, needless to say because of this i had little friends in 5th grade bur come 6th grade i met a nice boy who was a lot like me and we were really good friends but it turns out he really didn’t like me he was just coming over to my house to “hang out with me” because i had some really good stuff like an x box and a pool, when i learned this i felt betrayed and shut him out of my life wich left me alone not soon after i changed schools and this is where it started getting bad.
at my new school i started to become that lone wolf kid who sits in the shade and just listens to music alone or would rather stay inside an read rather than go outside. and it kind of continued that way for about 5 months then i learned that a girl name callie had a crush on me so we talked for a while which was really weird for me but i guess she liked my personality cause she decided to stay with me until the end of the school year. the last few weaks of the school year i started too…. not have proper emotions as weird as that sounds but i just didn’t feel emotions when i should’ve i no longer felt happy or felt affection towards callie nor towards anyone or anything really i could only feel sadness rage and occasional bursts of happiness so me and callie just sort of stopped being together we didnt have an official break up.
7th grade was a year when i started to spiral into my current situation. i was always big for my age not fat but tall and had a wide shoulders i was like 5’11 in 7th grade. and naturally me being different lead to bullying, now up until 7th grade i was always a nice boy but that changed after everyone tried to fight me. the kids at the school made it sort of a “you got balls test” to try and beat me in a fight, i never lost any of the fights but i started to get more violent in the fights to the oint where i would bang htere heads against the glass doors and hit them with a pole or branch or anything i could find.. i got suspended two times and went to the principles office almost every day.. so i decided to talk to my avaiable father figure..my grandpa and we talked for days about my school and what to do and i really started to respect him until….. the big secret got out that he was a pedophile child rapist and abuser who raped my mother, aunt and abused my uncle after i learned thati started to get paranoid not trusting anyone around this time i also lost my faith which messed with me mentally knowing i was lied to again. 8th grade was worse then 7th. in 8th grade i was homechooled because i finally got expelled from my last school for being a violent student or some **** like that. being home schooled gave me time to learn some things about my self but also spiral further into..well that’s what i want you to tell me…. continuing in the beginning of 8th grade i experimented with the internet you know being 14 and all… it wasn’t long after i learned i was homosexual which further messed with my mind because i was raised religious so now i thought i was a messed up monster.. i started getting really dpressed and thought of suicide almost everyday but something made me continue with life..maybe it was loosing faith in the “afterlife” but i continued with 8th grade and became even more emotionally detached at this point i could rarely feel anything but pure hatred and depression skip ahead a few months (currently) i feel little emotion at all now i just kind of go through the days but put on a happy face when needed i have become a cold individual and i dont trust anyone anymore i think all people are always judging and ranking the people around them….the other day however something sparked in me and said “you are not ok right now, do something” maybe it was how i was raised.. i don’t know but after being on the internet hours a day i learned about the yahoo answers thing..
should i see a therapist or is what i am going through normal? and please no insults i know i’m messed up that’s why i am doing this