Affiliate Marketing Secrets

Before you read please keep in mind I just randomly started writing…there’s no basis. XD Also, if he seems weird, he was meant to be that way.
What do I need to improve on? I know for a fact there’s something. XD Thank you very much!
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“I am but a humble servant to the King, his stepping stool and his conscience, for he remembers naught but the pinched shoes he slipped on that morning. Dearest fate, why do you hate me so? To have such an ill-minded father!” He released his eyes, sensing that he had lost his audience of a single man, and continues on. “I shall not waste my breath nevermore, especially on such fickle audience,” He grumbled, clapping his pocket watch as if to check the hour. “Sad is the day that such a proper tailor as I has yet to be paged by the King.”
He continued down the cobbled road, thirsty for excitement. “Oh dearest God above, may a lady trip her way under my elbow.” As he turned the corner with such a bounce to be seen as a madman, a brown bob of hair knocked into his elbow with a force like ten single men. “Well, I hadn’t meant literally but at least she had turned up.” The once ashy hair was now a face, large blue eyes and filled cheeks. “You will not address me as such, mister.” Now the one to fall was the lady-loving tramp. “How is this possible? You are not a lady, you are a gent. If only I could count how many times I have affiliated with a woman, yet to find broad shoulders and large muscles.”