Affiliate Marketing Secrets

I confided in my parents that my uncle masturbated in front of me and asks me to participate. This happened long time ago when I was in elementary school. I kept it secret until my early 30’s, about a half a decade ago.
A couple years before I confessed about my uncle, I confessed that my grandfather would behave in such a way that blurred the lines of a healthy grandfather/daughter relationship. My grandfather would play kiss and tickle, while pressing his boy on top of me, kissing my neck and ear on the bed. I felt his package when he pressed on.
I was confused. I felt guilty for liking the closeness. Did not like the kissing and pressing, but the liked attention and time spent. I felt it was “wrong”, based on what my parents taught me, what I learned from tv and school. Was latch key kid, when my grandparents were not around.
One incident, I was sleeping on the couch in my grandparents’ apartment. I was half asleep. My grandfather checked underneath my shorts and panties. I pretended I was asleep. The thing about this, is I don’t know if I was asleep or dreaming. I was scared. I doubt myself. And try to rethink it over and over, to make sure if it happen. It felt real. I question myself then.
One clear incident for sure was in the kitchen. My grandfather pinched my nipples over my t-shirt, laughing and making fun of me, when I was washing the dishes. I was around the age I was developing. I felt violated and ashamed of my developing body. These experiences are confusing to me. I doubt myself and have shame. This is with my grandfather. He died when I reached high school.
My grandmother was sweet and loving. I love her. One time I went to the near-by grocery market with her. I was in junior high or late elementary school. We bought a couple items. One of the items was a pornographic magazine. She told me it was for my grandfather. I knew the magazine was a strange thing to buy, when a grandchild was with her. I felt awkward when the items were rung up by the local cashier. I was embarrassed and shameful. Other than that incident, she has not blurred appropriate family lines in that sense. I wish she did not do that though. She has also past away.
I believe my uncle, my grandfather and grandmother, acted the way they did because of the culture or environment they came from. I am proud of my culture and ethnicity, but condemn the mentioned behaviors. That is not how we are suppose to act these days, in this society. The effects are damaging to me.
I have kept these secrets for many many many years. I secretly feel ashamed, guilty, dirty, embarrassed, angry towards mostly my dead grandfather and living uncle. I am at limbo.
Since I have confessed most of these to my parents, my mother tells me I speak too freely and they have given me too much freedom to express what is on my mind. One, they no longer give me freedom. I have freedom regardless of them.
My parents want me to stop speaking about it. My dad wants me to stop telling my dad how much a hate my uncle and would like my dad to stop playing chess with my uncle. My dad is obsessed with chess. I have been told by family members to get over it. It’s my demon that I want to release. My mom calls me a record player. I guilt them for not protecting or doing something about it when they did have an inkling about my uncle long time ago. I will put effort in stopping the guilt trips.
At one point, my uncle was caught doing the kiss tickle game with my sister. My uncle was banished from the house back then. He never said sorry to my sister and I. After a couple years, he was back playing chess with my dad. We just grew up knowing not to get too close to him.
Fast forward to present, I feel my hands are tide because in the police station parking lot, one night about a month ago, I called my best friend. I was about to finally begin closer with that past; and begin my present justice + move on. I had self doubt. My best friend advice me to tell my uncle’s daughters, my cousins. To give them a head’s up because I cared about them too. I had felt guilty growing up, knowing he could potentially behave this way to them. That was weighing.
I told one. She was crushed. The next day, she told me to do what I need to do to move on. But, she pleaded and pleaded though that this would mess up what is going on in her life. Her life has been real hard because school, work and family dynamics are already stressful and much too handle already.
I held off, again… I had already kept this a secret and lived. I don’t think I’m ready either, right now. I feel, that I think about this constantly, in and out of the activities of life. Life is a bit tricky right now, so doing it now isn’t good. I have to find a job and earn money for rent. I am living on hard-earned savings. I am a mess, emotionally. I am working on keeping my physical and mental at check. I feel at the edge. I am trying to find