By no means am I contemplating suicide. I just want to clear that up before I begin.
I always feel as though I’m just in life for the ride, and maybe that’s the point of life, but I always feel like I’m just there, never really serving any particular purpose except to be a not-so-worthy competition to other people. I wouldn’t call myself gorgeous, but I wouldn’t call myself ugly, either, but my friends get all the attention from girls and boys, and I’m the one who sits in the corner and holds the drinks. I consider myself average-looking, and I’ve been told many times that I’m really nice, but people would only want to know me as a friend, and nothing more, which makes me believe that I have to be rude and reckless to get a boy to like me and acknowledge me.
I know my niche is writing, but whenever I try to be as best as I can be at writing, there’s always somebody there to cut me down like a tree, to make me feel like writing isn’t my niche, to make me question whether or not it’s what I’m destined to do. Maybe I try too hard to be number one — I always submit my pieces to writing competitions, like one at my school, for example, where I came out in the bottom of the barrel, losing the top prizes to people who don’t even like writing, while it’s the one thing I can see myself doing for the rest of my life.
I have never really won anything, either. I don’t really expect to win things, because I’m not a competitive person, but I always feel like I want to be recognized for my writing or for some other attributes I have, and I always strive to get something that I really, truly want, but there’s always somebody better than me, always someone who wants it more, always something standing in the way of being recognized or getting what I want. I tried out to be a peer leader at my school for my last year, and I lost the position to kids in my class who are, in my opinion, the worst role models, to people who get everything they want handed to them on a silver platter, to people who bullied me and my friends, to people who drink until they’re so drunk that they pass out or hook up — or worse — with anybody on whom they can get their hands.
Maybe I’m looking way too deep into this, but I always feel like whenever I want to be recognized, there’s something or someone standing in the way and inhibiting my drive to be recognized, and it hurts me. Sometimes, like in the case of peer leaders, I found myself so upset by the decision that I began listing reasons why I’d be a better peer leader than the twelve who were chosen, and I’m not the kind of person to list the bads in people. I try to see the good in people, and sometimes I just get so upset by them doing better than me that I tend to do this.
I’m seventeen, and I have my future ahead of me, and maybe what I’m feeling is a part of growing up, or maybe I’m just being self-absorbed and selfish, but this is all really bothering me. How can I get out of feeling this way? How do I get used to the fact that there will always be people better than me? Is this normal, or am I being selfish? If I’m being selfish, how can I get over this, because I hate feeling like I’m being selfish, but I don’t know whether or not I’m being selfish?
Does all this even make sense?
Thanks