I’m writing a story for my little brother, and it’s about how a little girl looses her tooth. This is what I have so far, but I want to make it better:
Sarah ran the tip of her tongue across her teeth, all perfectly lined. She started playing with a tooth until she felt one gum fibre snap. She felt her tongue wiggle its way into a tiny niche under her tooth, where the surface was rough and scratchy. She knew she shouldn’t wiggle her tongue around that area, but couldn’t help it. Sarah had the desire to play with it more, until finally the tooth was hanging on one final, painful strand. “Oh god, please just stay in place,” She whispered to her reflection in the mirror. Frantically pushing the tooth into the gaping hole, where it once was held securely, Sarah hoped it would magically fix itself in place again. But as she did so, all of her precious teeth began to ache, and pulsate with strong pain.
Please help, and take care!=]
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Posted on February 13, 2011.
i think it sounds kinda nasty……. how old is your brother????
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Well it’s actually kind of graphic for a little kid. If I was little I wouldn’t understand half of it. I was expecting something more cute and happy. The writing is good and realistic, but maybe not suitable for a little kid (unless the kid is not *that* young).
Uh, I agree. Kinda creepy and descriptive for a small child. You make it sound excruciating. I’m a little scared of losing a tooth now…. just kidding, but still, make it less…. descriptive. Instead of describing EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS when she’s losing the tooth, say what happens after. The effects. There may not be many, but describe the tooth fairy rather than the pain.