So I’m writing a book called Samantha’s Asylum. Tell me what you think.
I was walking home from school with the hot sun beating down on my neck. Thank God there was only one more day of school until summer vacation. Then Diana and I could go to the creek and swim together. “Samantha!” Momma called from the front porch. I picked up my speed along the beautiful path in the woods and came upon our home. It was wooden with a porch that held three rocking chairs.
I ran up to the porch, all smiles. “Momma, Diana wasn’t in school today.” I said after hugging her. Momma nodded and gazed at the horizon.
“You knew?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“Mrs. Land, Diana’s mother, talked to me at the market today.” Momma was frowning and her blue eyes were sad. She put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed warmly.
“She had some very unfortunate news for me.”
‘What? Is Diana sick?”
“I’m afraid this morning she was.”
“This morning? What do you mean?”
“Diana went down by the creek for some fresh air. She waded through the water until her foot got caught in a root. She fell and she couldn’t get back up. Don’t worry, she’s safe in the Lord’s arms.” Momma said. I stared at her, not wanting to believe what I had just heard. But the sadness in her eyes was too real. I ran inside and pounded up the stairs.
“Samantha!” Momma called, hurrying up the steps. I opened my door and dropped my things on the ground. Momma came in and pulled me close. I started to cry. She put her arms around me and stroked my hair. I started to scream then. When we heard Papa’s wagon approaching the house, Momma ran down the stairs crying “Eric, Eric!”
OK So I know it’s not much, but alot more happens. she tries to kill herelf and her parents send her to an asylum. there she finds out secrets and stuff.
It’s actually very interesting 🙂 Just try to use more words, you know? Like the way you wrote it, it’s too simple. Try to use more description and details, like her walk in the woods for instance, you passed it way too quickly. Describe how the day was, the flowers she saw, the sound she heard, you know? It’s supposed to be a beautiful day, so try to use more description on it. Because then you can write about a beautiful day in contrast to the fact that later she would find out that her friend died. You know, like “the whole world crashing down on you” thing. Something like that, but other than that it is good 🙂 Just work a little more on the details and the dialogue. Like when she says, “Momma, Diana wasn’t in school today.” you could put before that, “I ran to the porch all smiles, looking at my Momma I paused a bit, looking at her clear blue eyes, I could see that there was something different in them today, not the usual cheerfulness she usually greeted me with. Ignoring this, I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her anyway. Then you can put everything else. Just a suggestion, hope I helped, contact me if you need any advice or opinions 🙂
Yea that would be perfect, add more details like right after her mom told her that. How did she feel? What was going on in her head at the time, you know? stuff like that
omggggggggggg I wanna know what happens next!!! email me or put it on fanfiction.net :))))
WinniethePooh92@ymail.com
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