Moving (chapter 1)
Have you ever had to move away from your friends? Have you ever had to move for the people you know? Well if you have you know how hard it is, but if not here is my story.
It all started when me and my family, went to Canada in the February half term. We stayed in Toronto. The weather was hot and the people were so friendly. One day we visited a small country Market on the outskirts of town, on our way we stopped at a small village, all of the houses looked identical a yellow coloured brick work and a grey slated roof, one of he houses was up for sale, mum really liked the look of it and arranged for a viewing. Despite this meaning to be a family holiday for my little brothers birthday, all we have been doing is going back and forth this one house. It would be great to move here but what about my friends, family and school. mum has always wanted to live somewhere it doesn’t rain just after Coming out of the hair salon, or when your in your local supermarket and people push in front of you in the queue, so this would be hard to pursued her to quit while she was ahead.
We got home on the Saturday and mum has already arranged for the house to be valued and she is meeting with very posh estate agents who wear long black trousers and a White shirt or a pleated blouse. Everything is happening so fast.
Monday came so quick, I knew I had to tell my friend that I might be moving away, as I walked alone into school grounds the rain was dripping out of my hair and down my face but that didn’t matter, i was more worried about what I was going to tell my them, I can’t just drop a bombshell on them like that. I made my way into the school hall, as I got in through the door, snaked my hair dry. I push my way through the crowds of people and bumped into on of my friends chloe,
“how was your holiday? Did you have a good time?” she shouted trying to get her voice above the crowds. You would think I was at a rock concert. luckily I the bell went and I didn’t have to answer, but now the not so lucky bit, the crowds of people were pushing like it was feeding time at the zoo. We made our way to class, all of the other students in my class looked like pale ghosts compared to the people back in Toronto, I saw my friends on the large round desk at the back of the classroom I grabbed a stool and sat next to them.
“So how was your holiday? What did you do ?” Chloe always is the one to ask questions,
” I had a great time, I stayed in a big hotel with a pool,the sun was so bright and it was so hot,” ok now for the lies I thought ” we went to the beach every day, we went to a theme park and went to a water park, it was amazing.” I had to lie, if I told them I might moving on the first day of term they would be crushed. I managed to get through the day without telling anyone my big secret, but when the bell rang and the end of the day, I walked home alone as usually but before I could escape Chloe came chasing after me,
“Are you ok ? It’s just you have been very quiet today, and that’s not the you I know,” she had her arm around my shoulder, making sure I didn’t go anywhere before she had a answer,
“yes I’m fine, I just got a bit of a headache that’s all,” I rubbed my head to make it more realistic, she loosened her arm from around my shoulders
“if there is anything wrong though, you can talk to me.” I nodded my head, and started to walk away. I made my way along the muddy, damp field to get to my house.
Categorized | Affiliate Marketing 101
Please Tell Me What You Think Of This Story And How I Could Improve It?
Posted on April 22, 2011.
The grammar and punctuation drag the whole thing down. Improve both before re-posting please.
I first want to say, good for you! I started writing when I was in forth grade and over the years have written a million stories, but I learned from writing all those. Even from my not so good ones. Now I feel like have build up some pretty decent skills to mold off of and try to make a profession. I hope you do the same if this is what you like, just keep trying. But I do want to say, try to stay away from saying stuff like, “. . . here is my story.” or “. . . and this is my life.” I know you’re not trying to get it published, but this is the kind of stuff that makes publishers turn their heads and look the other direction. Plus I think you really need to show, not tell. A basic rule with any form of writing. Show exactly how things felt, looked, smelled, tasted, etc. If you’re uncertain of how things are then go out and experience it, like if want to explain how water feels run your hand under the water and describe it yourself. This is what I do.
Good luck!
What !!!!! The weather was hot in Toronto in February? Must be some other Toronto somewhere down under, because in Toronto, Ontario, February means ice and snow.
You say you’re not looking at grammar and punctuation, but they play such an important part when you are reading a story – just little things like starting out by saying ‘me and my family’
That immediately knocks it down a peg.
I’m afraid my honest opinion is hinging an awful lot on your grammar and spelling. If I have to struggle to make sense of what you’ve written, how can I focus on the story?
I did get through the first paragraph, however. I would get rid of the second person sentences and rhetorical questions in the beginning. They’re not lending anything to the story, and it’s often jarring to be addressed directly by the narrator.