There is a secret force run by the government. Only the police, FBI and army know about.
Though it’s no normal secret force. All the agents were born with an extra chromosome,
making them be more, strong, fast and improver their stamina and agility to the max – Though they are nothing like supernaturals.
They protect the world and the artifacts . . . having no limits, they are aloud to kill and torture their criminals and suspects.
Sixteen year old Kyra has been an agent since she was twelve. Being the best in the business, all the criminals are afraid of her, afraid of being tortured by her. One even goes so far to hire a assassin to kill her after what she had done to him. But when Kyra falls for the man who is destined to kill her, she may not survive.
Categorized | Affiliate Marketing 101
Would You Read This If It Was On The Market?
Posted on May 4, 2011.
Having an extra chromosome gives you down syndrome
But no I wouldn’t read that, Kyra is obviously just infatuated so it would be ridiculous
Nah, the intro is way too glitzy and explanatory. Also, you’re jumping straight into a run of the mill theme; super power young girl, falls in love, destiny, etc etc. Sound like you are a teenage girl writing this.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to be a writer, I used to want to be one too. Practice writing more, keep a journal. Also, improve your grammar and spelling. The best way to do this is probably just reading tons of fiction from a broad spectrum of genres, and don’t be afraid to dive into some of those bigger, daunting looking books collecting dust on your parents’ bookshelves.
No. Its been done to a point and its not my cup of tea.
Only the police FBI and Army? What about the Marines? ATF? I mean leave the police out as they are about as common as everyday people. Let only a committee of the Senate know about them.
Also when people are born with an extra chromosome, they are down syndrome. Down syndrome is a chromosomal condition characterized by the presence of an extra copy of genetic material on the 21st chromosome, either in whole (trisomy 21) or part (such as due to translocations) So if you are going to go that route I suggest you make it more realistic and believable and say that the duplicate chromosome is a certain one that controls our brain power or muscle development. Super man had twice as many chromosomes so perhaps you want to duplicate them all.
Its ‘they are allowed’ as you would say something aloud and you would be not allowed to kill someone.
Its important to have characters people feel something about. Respect, or love or compassion. If she tortures people, its gonna be tough to like her even if its bad guys she is torturing. I think people would be more willing to accept that she loves another agent and they do bad things so they are allowed to be with each other. If she is going to fall for the person hired to kill her, he needs to have some compassion as well. Someone needs to change, she must become less ruthless or see how what she does isn’t right. Maybe she has a change of heart about what she does and decides that she deserves death but the hit man loves hers and cant kill her and they escape.
But i think you need to find something that sets it apart from everything else.
Her being 16 with all this ‘fear’ she strikes in people is just too far fetched. The whole thing just sounds like just way too much. And then come to find out it’s just a set-up for a friggin’ romance? This reminded me of X-Men in a way but fo course X-Men had no romance in it because there was too much going on already!
I agree with CrashTestPuppets that nobody, and I mean nobody will sympathize with 16 year old Kayla. If anything they’ll become annoyed with her. She sounds a little like she’s getting ready to be a Mary Sue in your story and her torturing people and her flaws won’t even be seen as flaws. But hey, it’s your story. Do as you like 😉
needs work.
sounds like a thinly veiled love story
+ the guy at the top is right – if you had an extra chromosome you’d have downs syndrome.
Baaaaaad idea.
Nope. Sound like a mills and boon story and even though you get the odd one that is okay they are mostly rubbish.
You need to scrap the extra chromosome idea because in reality that gives you downs syndrome. The no limits idea is daft because if they have to limits then there is no problems for them that they cant solve which means you dont have a hell of a lot to work with plotwise.
Kyra is already fast on her way to Mary Sue ville even with just a summary. Give the girl some flaws, depth of character. People she fears, people who fear her. Someone she respects, perhaps some kind of mentor. Dont go for the easiest option by saying oh because they have superpowers they are allowed to kill and torture people. Put some thought into how an organisation like this would actually run.
Have you read the Night Huntress series? Your character is a lot like the main character in those books and it might give you a few ideas of how to portray her how you want to while still keeping her believable as a real person.
Do some research into national security. It isnt just the army, you have the RAF, SAS etc They would all know about this. But would the police? Arent they a little too small fry to be involved in something this big? That could give you another plot point too, keeping the secret from authorities who mustnt find out about it.
I hope I havent sounded too harsh. I always find when I am writing that it helps to have someone pick holes in my plots and characters because I cant always see the flaws and inconsistencies.
It doesn’t always have to be the story that’s enticing but the way the story is structured and written – the twists and turns, does it grab you, is it engaging… But this idea does sound a lot like the film ‘Hanna’ and so maybe this is an indication that this idea if a bit of an over-worked one.
PEOPLE WHO ARE BORN WITH AN EXTRA CHROMOSOME HAVE DOWNS SYNDROME!
What makes her so special? How could a child who has to be in school 5 days a week be an agent?
Any gentic theories you use must be checked As I’ve just said.
And every world has to have limits otherwise there can be no conflict and no story. And won’t be belivable, must have flaws and limits.