I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, however, my emotions are always ‘bottled up’ and kept away in the darkness, often times, for many years.
For example, it was only until I was 8 years old that I had revealed that I was severely depressed, and had attempted to commit suicide on one occasion. Hence, I was then put on a strong anti-depressant at 10 years old, which I, at 17, still use to this day. I hate my name, it is not my real name, and I hate it when my parents dub me as their ‘daughter’ or ‘girl’. I feel like hitting them. It was puberty where my feelings intensified, I grew two disgusting tumours on my chest, and began to develop fat-rolls called ‘womanly curves’ and began to have my menstural cycle, I hate babies and all things affiliated, and I do not intend on ever having them, so their is no purpose for my body to be in this form. I am heavily susceptable to the blood-condition aneamia, so this does not help.
I hate pink, I feel alienated, my parents try to force me into these stupid girly things such as dancing or make-up. My parents won’t let me purchase a handgun that I had wanted since I was 9 years old, and it takes a huge amount of convincing just to wear unisex clothing, however, I feel more ‘me’, with men’s clothing. All women’s clothing makes me want to throw up. It’s all ‘no, you can’t do that! You’re a girl! Stop being so stupid!’ with my parents. I cannot think emotionally, only rationally and logically, my brain-waves are slightly different from the norm as said by a doctor who did an EEG on me. I also have Asperger Syndrome, and I don’t fit in.
I have short teenage-boy hair and I wear blue, white or green plaid shirts and baggy trousers. I only fit in with males, but I am judged constantly due to having a female’s body that does not match my gender. I’ve became more and more suicidal, I’m 5’3 and 6 stone as the more weight I loose, my worthless ‘menstural’ cycle will cease, and I will loose my chest tumours. I cannot stand looking in the mirror at my body, because it just isn’t me. I’m not screamish, I like blood, and if it weren’t for the risk of fatal blood-loss I’d of cut off my breasts by now and modified the rest, including my trachea.
I’m starting High school for the first time in September, and I should be feeling happy. But I am not. I don’t want to even be seen in public, and it has always been this way. I spoke to my doctor and parents for the first time about this issue, and my doctor diagnosed me with Gender Disphoria. My mom just argued with me and screamed at me, making me feel worse, no matter how much I told her this is affecting my schoolwork, daily life, and motivation. I’m just in my room 24/7, playing World of Warcraft, C&C and shooting games and programming script-based applications, I have literally no motivation in me to even wake up anymore, or live, for that matter. I’ve had dreams where I wake up, and I’m me, a boy, not a girl. My voice is different, I have no breasts, my name is different, and I go on to live a confident and happy life, going out to play soccer with my mates and acheiving in school because I wasn’t distracted by constant depression. I wake up crying every single time I get that dream.
I spoke to my psychologist about this (most of it in private, up until the last moments of discussion.) And he told us about this reassignment clinic, which also had opportunities for surgery. Something lit up inside of me, and I thought that finally, I would be happy and have the chance to live a happy life and not a life of misery. But my parents reject it everytime I bring it up. It’s about 5 hours from where I live, and it’s just a corner away. But they still reject it and arguments have been started because of it, only making me feel worse. I feel as if it is my fault that I was born. I wasn’t born right, this is not my body, even my face does not match my body, and just the sight of me you would be able to tell that there is something wrong. I am not a ‘Tomboy’ I hate everything female-related, and I am gay, I’m a teenage boy that likes other boys. Female genitalia disgusts me to no end, including the smell. Just everything.
I hate having no muscle mass due to my genetic deformity (having a girl’s body) and I’ve had several breakdowns because of it. I feel that I can’t go on for any longer. What’s the point in living if you’re going to be miserable all of your life? Please help me and no insulting answers. I would appreciate it so much. I just want to be happy and that is so much to ask for. Thanks.
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Why Don’t My Parents Understand That I Am A Teenage Male Trapped Inside Of A Female’s Body? Why Do They Argue?
Posted on August 22, 2011.
get over it who cares what your parents think stop caring
why don’t you understand that you don’t have to ask the same question a million times.
You could get some genetic testing and other tests done to verify your DNA and see if there are issues with your hormone balances, etc.
It seems to me the first step in doing anything is having accurate information.
(P.S. – Almost everything you’ve mentioned is a physical issue with your body, which is why I think you should seek physical testing or at least talk to a physician, not just talk to a psychologist)
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Oh my, that’s to long for my interest to hold! I’m sorry your having this issue especially with your parents whom I assume you’d look most to for support and acceptance. I have four children and I support all their dreams and wishes. If they came to me with this I would be fine as long as they were fine. I didn’t read the post due to length but I would like to say never be ashamed of who you are. Hold your shoulders back and your head high and tell people it’s not your job to carry their monkey on your back!!!! I hope you are able to find your happiness in life. Everyone deserves it.
Well, when you get out on your own, use your own money, and get the surgery. If they don’t want you to have the surgery, that’s their choice. But once you are on your own, it’s your choice to get whatevery you want done. But don’t expect to come home and have them welcome you with open arms.
Also, I understand you believe you are a male, but please don’t generalize and stereotype what it is to be female. Because you are male, does NOT mean that everything about being female is terrible. It’s just unfortunate that you were born with the wrong body. And you get to see how much gender stereotyping is shoved down people’s throats.
You only have a few months to go until you are 18, and therefore an adult capable of making your own decisions about your destiny.
The issue is not about whether you feel a man in a woman’s body, but what to do about it. At some time you should see a psychiatrist, rather than a psychologist, since this is a medical practitioner with the power to refer you for a gender reassignment programme, starting with a course of testosterone, and culminating in surgery. A better term is “sex change” since a tomboy is a girl happy to take on masculine roles while remaining a girl (such people get the best of both worlds, since being a girl does not stop anyone having as much active fun as a boy, and she would certainly be popular with boys). I rather think with you, it is more than just about gender.
As for your parents, it must be deeply upsetting to them, especially if they are religiously conservative. You are going against nature, and against what God made you. Please take on board their disquiet and don’t feel offended by it. Try to understand them. They are about to lose a daughter and gain what they consider to be a freak. As part of your gender reassignment, they will need counselling to come to terms with what you are becoming. Feel proud to be a freak, and don’t be offended if it makes conservatives feel better to call you that. Embrace it and smile back, and it will cease to be an insult. They’ll get bored calling you that in the end, and might even address you by your adopted name.
In the end however, it is Love that should prevail (especially if they are Christian), rather than what they consider to be right or proper. Even if you are a freak, you are their freak, and you have a common interest and history going back right to your conception. If you are more content in your new state than in your current one, then they will be fulfilling the prime role of a parent to produce a content, productive, and well-functioning human being, which you aren’t at the moment.
P.S. I fail to see what masculinity has to do with carrying guns – they are illegal in my country for everyone except the military and farmers. Also pink – in Thailand it is considered to signify nationalism rather than femininity. I never dressed my daughter in pink because, being blonde, it clashed horribly with her (and my) colouring. Green was much better.
parents expect their kids to turn out a certain way, and if your not, they convince themselves its just a phase. they think telling you your wrong will make you realise you are wrong and change your ways. just stick to what your doing, they’ll come around 🙂