Sorry if you’ve seen this post question somewhere, just need more advice.
Please read the whole thing, this isn’t a life-rambling question.
I don’t really care what happens to other people unless it rebounds on me and affects me, other than that I feel no empathy for the person unless it is something BIG. I hardly care about my friends, even my close friends but I still love them and will look out of them but I just don’t feel emotionally connected to them. I don’t care what happens to people only if I’m not affiliated or involved in it. I sometimes just feel very empty emotionally but feel like I am jinxing myself if I do not show my condolences (not specifically death but a serious event) and end up praying for them and being sympathetic, when deep inside.. I’m not sure if I do.
I always put myself in front before anyone else but if I feel low confident in a certain area of participation I would let everyone else go in front of me. I’m very paranoid and have a hatred towards things, not sure why though. If I ever think that something will happen, before any question pops up, I always ask myself “how will this affect me” and how I would respond to it.. I can’t really blame myself, I reckon it is because of untreated delusions.
Funny part is, if it does affect me – I instantly turn into an angel and try my hardest to resolve and to non-nonchalantly calm the situation. Best part is, it helps them but it helps me too, more than them to be personal about it.
The other funny part is, if I think the person is a threat to me or feel like they are no good to me, I block them out of my life and try to exclude them like I’ve never wanted to know them, I’ve actually done that a few times and it has worked.
I’m not that self-centered, I donate because I want to help, not because I get something out of it.. I try my best to help but if it begins to be a threat to me, I begin to panic and try to find ways that will benefit ME.
Example:
2 of my friends were having a very viscous verbal and was soon-to-be physical fight, the grudge my friend held against my other friend (who appeared calmer) went on for days and my friend who help the grudge would whine to me for hours at a time about him and how much he hates him.. I acted upon it and made them say sorry to each other, now they are friends.. I didn’t do it for them to be friends, I did it for myself so my friend who held the grudge would stop bitching.
Example 2:
One of my friends did weed, I excluded him and neglected him from my life for a few months, I them approached him and threatened him that if he touches weed again – our friendship is finished and completely over. I didn’t come to that threat because of ONLY the weed, I did it also because he was a complete dick at the time and didn’t want to associate with someone who would get high every week and offer me that stuff. I couldn’t care less if he did weed, but when he offered me this one time, I felt like I was being invaded.
Example 3: In process:
This girl I’ve met recently went through a breakup, I gave her the best advice and she loves me too much and thinks I’m charming, amazing, perfect and is in love with me and wants to start a relationship with me.. I don’t have any love towards her, and if any feelings for her.. It would’ve only lasted for a few hours.. She is now being too clingy that I’m hoping she would get bored of me and understand that I want to remain friends. We then got into a fight… we made up and compromised and she admitted that she loves me and doesn’t deserve me.. I couldn’t feel anything towards it, not even a connection.
I lie to satisfy other people and not to hurt them or make me look bad, let’s just say that I’m a very talented and skilled liar but I’m not a pathological one, I donate to charity and to help the people who are suffering in other countries in the world but I don’t feel empathy for them, I just don’t get that. I really can’t tell anyone in my real life this or else they’ll feel like they are a burden and possibly exclude me for thinking I don’t care about them, which is true but I must keep that behind the mask.
I don’t love many people, I don’t cry over videos or photos, I have these weird thoughts that are very subtle and are really strange. I just don’t feel like a human, I don’t really like a lot of humans. feel like I can read people’s expressions, feelings and action like a book, I can look at a person and judge their personality, appearance, insecurities and successions, though it could misjudgement.
Today, me and my friends walked past this road and we saw a cat that was dead on the road, they freaked out and were sad. They had no reason to be sad to be honest, it is a cat who is dead, you don’t know anything about it but it is dead.
I love my family, even though I do