Ok, so i want to write something that people will enjoy, maybe a novella or a novel but before i continue, can someone give me some feedback for my first chapter. It is a little short but I just want feedback on my writing style and what i should include, not grammar and spelling mistakes. Here it is:
It took so long, but I finally found one. A seat on the tram. As I sit there, I watch 100’s upon 100’s of people getting on and off. They were commuters, tourists, students and everyone in between. The sound of the tram bells are intoxicating, you really get a feel for the Melbourne culture, they are something unique to Melbourne. As my hands delve deep into my pockets, I realize that I only have $50 to spend. That is not nearly enough to buy new clothes at the shopping centre. Looks like Nathaniel and I will have to spend it at the markets. As I patiently wait to see him bored the tram, all I have to do is to look out the window and see the beauty a city has to offer, street art, buildings and parks. The minutes that pass feel like an eternity as I anxiously wait for Nathaniel. Finally after 5 minutes, he is there.
“Where have you been? I have been waiting for you for ages.” I said.
“Sorry” he replied, “My mum had me do a few things before I left home and it took me 20 minutes to walk to the city.”
It was such a relief to see him. Just the thought that something had happened to him would’ve devastated me.
“I only have $50 to spend so I think that we should go to the markets instead, I can’t buy new clothes and then buy food as well. Sorry” I added.
As Nathaniel and I walked through the streets and alleyways, he began to look at me with a smile, and then let out a giggle.
“What? What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing Ryan, I just…….. never mind” he laughed.
I knew that something was different about him that day. Something that I could never have put my finger on, it was too hard to work out what it was, until he told me.
As we slowly walked through the market stalls, we finally found a place to rest and have a meal. “You know how you were looking at me and then started to laugh a while ago” I said.
“Yer” he replied. “What about it?”
I continued “Well, what was that all about? It’s not really like you. Is there something wrong?”
“Well actually, nothing’s wrong, it’s just that there is something that I really should talk about but I am a little scared to.”
When he said those words, I was jumping ecstatically on the inside, but I kept a poker face on the outside. What could it have been? If he was looking at me and then laughed and he thinks that he should talk about it, then it concerns me. What if it’s good thing? All of these thought ran through my mind and it was making me excited. I had no idea what he was going to say, but from what I know, it’s about him and me.
“It’s OK” I replied “you can tell me anything, I’m your best friend, your secret is kept with me. I promise. Just tell me”
“I want to but it is so difficult to. You don’t know what I am going through.” He grunted. “It is so hard for me to understand all of this, let alone talking to you about it. Just please stop with the questions.”
I knew that something was bothering Nathaniel. I am his friend, and a friend should always look out for other friends. Nathaniel and I have been close to each other for more than 5 years. This was something that he would never do. He would tell me anything, even if I had nothing to do with it. Him not wanting me to know something is not a part of his persona.
“You know what, I Have to go now. My mum wants me home by 3pm.” Nathaniel quickly uttered. He left the table and then rushed out of the markets and left. Something was bothering him immensely, and I have to help, but if I don’t know what it is, then how?
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Please Rate My Writing, I Am New At This!?
Posted on May 19, 2012.
It is generally okay, I liked the first paragraph, because it’s quite descriptive and you can easily imagine what he sees. However, it became a little unbelievable when you described the waiting for Nathaniel: First you say “I patiently wait for him to bord”, then you say the “minutes that pass feel like an eternity”. That is somewhat contradicting. Also, you say “the thought that something had happened to him would’ve devastated me.” I was like, gosh, he is five minutes late, no need for drama. Thus, you’ll want to either make it less dramatic, or make him be more late.
The rest was okay, however all quite dramatical. Why would someone jump to conclusions just because his best friend laughed at him. You say “It’s not like him”, but you might want to explain why exactly it’s not like Nathaniel to laugh at his best friend.
Oh, and by the way, may I guess? Nathaniel is either going to turn out a mythical creature (most likely vampire), or he’s gay. It’s just a guess, but it feels a little obvious.
I wasn’t really able to get the idea behind, since the chapter really is short. It was quite good, though, especially for a starter. I’d like to read more of it.
Good luck on the rest!
If its trying to give suspence to whats up, then if Im right it is really obvious…is he gay?
ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod is he gay? wow I honestly had to keep reading that too the end it was soooo goood!! but he is gay right? damn i wanna know! pleeeeease keep wwriting, I wanna know how it ends!!!!!!
will you answer mine – its a tad long, my apologies xxhttp://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
Make sure you have all your punctuation right. And use a colon instead of comma when you lost the beauty of the city. When writing numbers, use their full name (five, hundreds upon hundreds, but not time.) and I’d like to see a little bit of a backstory on Nathaniel. Other than that (it’s really not a lot if you say it out loud), you have a good first chapter! Nice cliffhanger! But I think that Nathaniel’s gay and likes Ryan. JUST saying.