My girlfriend and I (we are a gay couple) have been dating for almost a year and a half. When we first got together, our sex life was healthy–If not a little TOO healthy, if you catch my drift. We had sex at least once a day. If we got busy with life and work, it would dwindle down to every three days or so, and we thought that was insane. We couldn’t get enough of each other.
Now, over a year later, so much has changed. We’ve been through many homes and jobs, making mistakes and trying to find our niche in this world. It’s been a stressful year, to say the least.
When all of this stress first came on is when I first noticed our sex life becoming less and less satisfying. At that time, I understood it. Even though I myself would rather have sex and embrace the fact that at least we have each other during hard times, I understood her not wanting to as much.
I watched it dwindle down from every few weeks…to every month or so…to every couple of months…and now it has been five months. When I look up things about other couples having intimacy problems, they all say it’s been a month or two. But five months? Isn’t that a little scary?
Our lives are much less stressful now. Our money problems are nearly obsolete, and both of us are about to finally go back to school (full-paid, with no worry of paying back loans or not having enough to cover tuition.) So I know that it cannot be a stress factor anymore. Now, she is somewhat overweight. She has absolutely no self-confidence, and often calls herself awful names.
No matter how much I tell her that she is beautiful and sexy (because she truly is), she still thinks so poorly of herself. And I feel that if she would only let me make love to her, I could show her how gorgeous that she is. But time and time again, she turns me down.
She tells me that it’s not me. She says that it is absolutely nothing to do with me, and that she finds me more attractive than anyone she has ever seen. She sees how this is making me break down, how it is hurting me, but she won’t even make an effort. I feel so unattractive that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. She’s making me want to starve myself and start dressing in ways that I would normally not ever dress, because I just want her to be attracted to me again.
Now before anyone says “she is cheating on you” I want you to know that I have already considered that. I’ve already accused her of it. Of course, I could be wrong, but from what I can tell, she has been faithful. Before we even got together, she was my best friend because I knew her to be the most honest, trust-worthy person I ever met.
And also, I’d prefer answers that don’t have to do with “spice it up!” because honestly, nothing is wrong with the mechanics of our sex-life. We’re lesbians. We know how to satisfy each other. What’s wrong with the sex is the lack of it.
I just want to know what could be wrong with her…or me…that’s causing this to be so long and drawn out. It seems silly to me to end a relationship just because my partner lacks sex drive. But I am a woman. I need touched. I need to feel wanted. I need to feel special. I wait on her and her friends hand and foot and do everything she could ever possibly need. All I want is my basic human needs fulfilled. Not every day. Not even every week. Just more often than every few months.
Any help?
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What Is Wrong With Our Once “awesome” Sex-life?
Posted on July 16, 2012.
Consider activities that encourage healthy choices that also build closeness by achieving accomplishments. For example, walk for a cause, bike ride, dance classes… anything that can be done together. When she sees you working even harder to tackle another of life’s road bumps with her and sees her own accomplishments she will be ecstatic.
Also, I know it always feels far fetched but the hormone change from additional weight gain can trigger clinical depression in some people. Is she showing any other signs of depression? Sometimes the happiest person can be holding up a large wall you do not see clearly. Clinical depression is way more than being sad because that pair of jeans don’t fit like they use to, it needs to be treated medically.
Keep talking to her about your feelings as well as hers, there appears to be something that is way deeper and needs to be dug up without you being walked on. I know it may be by choice but waiting on her I can see, not her friends. Perhaps narrow your attention down to just her, make it more special. Add small touches to make it more personal to her. For example, add whipped cream to top off her chocolate milk, by a new special wine glass just for her, add an I love you message to the napkin for her meal. But do stop waiting on her friends, she may be led to feel intimidated by them and they could use it as ammo in their favor later on making out you wer, or are, flirting with them when you are attempting to please her and not them.
Hope all goes well for you!
It’s been my experience that the hotter a relationship starts the faster it cools. Now, maybe that’s just me but as I said it’s been my experience. I do know that as familiarity builds sometimes the passion gets less a part of the relationship.
I can tell you to take it to heart that it’s not you. You haven’t changed, she has. And without being harsh, you should know that waiting on her and her friends isn’t really gaining you any points. It makes you seem desperate and as sad as you are that your relationship has changed, you’re not desperate! Have more self respect and you’ll discover you’re more attractive … in many ways. Best of luck to you.
Honestly, i think you should go ahead and tell her this yourself. Maybe you guys should sit down and talk about everything that’s been going on. It seems like you guys had a difficult life, maybe that brought her down and you guys never really talked about it. It’s probably just all the emotions and stress that’s built up inside her and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. But yeah, definitely have a long, deep conversation and sort things out. Hope this helped somewhat. Good luck!!
People get bored in relationships. Sex, with the same women, for the rest of your life? I can hardly have sex with the same women for a few months before I get completely bored. Figuring out people is fun, enjoyable, intriguing. But once you figure them out, you hit a rut. Boredom is doing the same thing, repeatedly, without change in result.
She probably got bored. Sex became something normal, not special. Make it something special again.
Make her lose weight. If she’s legit not cheating and she still clearly loves you then her own self worth is the problem. Both of you should join a gym or something, eat healthier, she feels sexier and it turn should hopefully want to have more sex.
She just has low self esteem, feels terrible about herself and doesn’t want to have sex when she feels ugly.
There’s nothing you can do about her self esteem. That’s why it’s SELF-Esteem. She has to want to change. And it’s tough to want to when you are depressed and feel terrible. meds can help, but the real only answer is a concentrated effort to want to get better. And it takes time. No quick fixes unfortunately.
And exercise is a huge plus for people who are depressed. . If you can drag her with you to a gym, or just a walk, that would help immensely. Every day.
I think it is because she is very insecure about herself. Try talking to her about it, and ask her why everything has changed, and tell her exactly how u feel about it. She can open up to you about what is really wrong. good luck!!