I feel like I’m not particularly good at anything, and I’m not sure what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fairly good at many things, I’m just not EXTRAORDINARY in anything. I may have a nice career and maybe even make a fair amount of money, but I’m not interested in these things.
I have an MSc in Economics, but I’ll never be as good as Hayek or Shapley or anybody else who have created something lasting, a theory of economics or anything extraordinary. I’m considering a PhD, and while I have the capability to complete it, I know I can’t think of anything original. Teachers never encouraged me, because even though this Econ program is the best in my country, it’s still nowhere near top unis like LSE, and my teachers had to deal with a hundred other students, nobody gave a **** about my problems or self-doubt.
I have a BA in International Relations, but I’m not really good in small-talk and I’m not too kind with people. I don’t really like people tbh.
I have different skills – I speak three languages, but I can’t think of ever creating a theory like Chomsky did. I play the piano, but I’ll never compose anything like Satie or Rachmaninoff did. I’ve taken some business classes, but I can’t find a niche or an original idea to use. I really like to read the ideas of philosophers, but I can’t write anything like Either/Or or Zarathustra.
I wrote some poems and short stories, but they’re not good enough. A renowned local newspaper just rejected my short story, because it’s not original enough.
I know I’m intelligent (I’m a member of Mensa in my country), but I’m not a genius. In high school, they told me I’m able to accomplish great things, but I had to realize I’m not “special” in any way.
I still have time, I’m only 22 yrs old. But most great minds started at an early age, and I feel that my knowledge and abilities are fragmented. I’m not an “outlier” in anything. I can’t start anything on a deeper level, because I know I’m just not good enough. I feel like Salieri sometimes.
I know I’m young, but I’m really afraid of dying and leaving nothing behind. I always wanted to do something extraordinary that lasts for generations and surpasses me, I always wanted to create something immortal so as to leave some part of me behind after I’ve turned to dust. This is my only goal, not recognition or money, so I’d probably be willing to sacrifice these things if I could just create something BIG. People don’t have to know that it’s my creation, it’s enough that I know.
My question is: what other goals should I pursue if I’m not extraordinary in anything? I could, like, chill out and start working, but it will all eventually vanish with all my memories, friends, accomplishments etc. if I don’t put something lasting on the table.
I think I’m getting a little depressed, I’ve started smoking and drinking heavily. I wrote everything with an honest heart, so please don’t condemn me.
Can anybody help me?