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I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, however, my emotions are always ‘bottled up’ and kept away in the darkness, often times, for many years.
For example, it was only until I was 8 years old that I had revealed that I was severely depressed, and had attempted to commit suicide on one occasion. Hence, I was then put on a strong anti-depressant at 10 years old, which I, at 17, still use to this day. I hate my name, it is not my real name, and I hate it when my parents dub me as their ‘daughter’ or ‘girl’. I feel like hitting them. It was puberty where my feelings intensified, I grew two disgusting tumours on my chest, and began to develop fat-rolls called ‘womanly curves’ and began to have my menstural cycle, I hate babies and all things affiliated, and I do not intend on ever having them, so their is no purpose for my body to be in this form. I am heavily susceptable to the blood-condition aneamia, so this does not help.
I hate pink, I feel alienated, my parents try to force me into these stupid girly things such as dancing or make-up. My parents won’t let me purchase a handgun that I had wanted since I was 9 years old, and it takes a huge amount of convincing just to wear unisex clothing, however, I feel more ‘me’, with men’s clothing. All women’s clothing makes me want to throw up. It’s all ‘no, you can’t do that! You’re a girl! Stop being so stupid!’ with my parents. I cannot think emotionally, only rationally and logically, my brain-waves are slightly different from the norm as said by a doctor who did an EEG on me. I also have Asperger Syndrome, and I don’t fit in.
I have short teenage-boy hair and I wear blue, white or green plaid shirts and baggy trousers. I only fit in with males, but I am judged constantly due to having a female’s body that does not match my gender. I’ve became more and more suicidal, I’m 5’3 and 6 stone as the more weight I loose, my worthless ‘menstural’ cycle will cease, and I will loose my chest tumours. I cannot stand looking in the mirror at my body, because it just isn’t me. I’m not screamish, I like blood, and if it weren’t for the risk of fatal blood-loss I’d of cut off my breasts by now and modified the rest, including my trachea.
I’m starting High school for the first time in September, and I should be feeling happy. But I am not. I don’t want to even be seen in public, and it has always been this way. I spoke to my doctor and parents for the first time about this issue, and my doctor diagnosed me with Gender Disphoria. My mom just argued with me and screamed at me, making me feel worse, no matter how much I told her this is affecting my schoolwork, daily life, and motivation. I’m just in my room 24/7, playing World of Warcraft, C&C and shooting games and programming script-based applications, I have literally no motivation in me to even wake up anymore, or live, for that matter. I’ve had dreams where I wake up, and I’m me, a boy, not a girl. My voice is different, I have no breasts, my name is different, and I go on to live a confident and happy life, going out to play soccer with my mates and acheiving in school because I wasn’t distracted by constant depression. I wake up crying every single time I get that dream.
I spoke to my psychologist about this (most of it in private, up until the last moments of discussion.) And he told us about this reassignment clinic, which also had opportunities for surgery. Something lit up inside of me, and I thought that finally, I would be happy and have the chance to live a happy life and not a life of misery. But my parents reject it everytime I bring it up. It’s about 5 hours from where I live, and it’s just a corner away. But they still reject it and arguments have been started because of it, only making me feel worse. I feel as if it is my fault that I was born. I wasn’t born right, this is not my body, even my face does not match my body, and just the sight of me you would be able to tell that there is something wrong. I am not a ‘Tomboy’ I hate everything female-related, and I am gay, I’m a teenage boy that likes other boys. Female genitalia disgusts me to no end, including the smell. Just everything.
I hate having no muscle mass due to my genetic deformity (having a girl’s body) and I’ve had several breakdowns because of it. I feel that I can’t go on for any longer. What’s the point in living if you’re going to be miserable all of your life? Please help me and no insulting answers. I would appreciate it so much. I just want to be happy and that is so much to ask for. Thanks.