Affiliate Marketing Secrets

I have a very high targetted niche, and need good rank on google, what to do?

Let’s say I ran a company and I added all my contacts to the list I wanted to know if this feature is a good marketing niche to promote my company.

Is this a good idea?
I have an idea for making a brand new fruit.
I have dubbed a crapple because of the procedure to make it, and it is as follows.
A person who will not be missed, for example a hooker, a hobo, or an illegal immigrant, will be kidnapped and taken to a secret testing facility. Then, my coworkers will knock them out and split open their stomach. We will then insert an an apple, clog the stomach and seal them up. In a few hours, we shall remove the clog, and allow the have digested apple to pass through the gastric tract. It will them be collected, highly dehydrated, void of all sweetness and nutrients, and we will sterilize it.
We plan to mass market these, under a variety of different names and prices, to create competition. We will patent it, and sell licenses dirt cheap, with many loop holes so we can sue for it back.
The name crapple is derived from the words cripple, crap, and apple.
Please do not disregard my idea as foolish or pointless, as I have, in my possession, three. I have not yet eaten any, as I am sort of afraid of what they taste like. I’m assuming it must taste like a dried apple, and that, in my opinion taste awful. I plant to make oranges and pears in this form as soon as I come up with puns for them. If you have any good name ideas, they will be greatly appreciated.
I have constructed a speech for when the crapple is honored as a great supplement for youths, and people are eating them globally. Here it is. “I am honored, today, to be in front of you all. It seems that only yesterday I was pitching my ideas on internet chat boards and yahoo answers, pitching my ideas. Those mods are tough to get around, and as some one with great, radical ideas, I expected to be scoffed at, although the criticism and hate mail hurt. I’d also like to thank the movie, directed by Tom Six, The Human Centipede. Without it’s inspiration, I don’t think I would have bravery to share my ideas. To be honest, I knew my ideas would eventually catch on. It was only a matter of time. After all, wouldn’t you be intriged by something as elusive as a crapple? I would be, even if it were not for the fact I created them. The idea came, for digestive fruit, that is, when I was out side, and the call of nature urged me on. After a particularly painful bowel movement, I realized I had passed a grape. Then it hit me. Literally. An apple hit me on my head, changing my thought process. That is my inspiration and I hope that you too can come up with something as gallant as a crapple. Remember, even if your idea is outlandish, people will buy anything. And if a risky experiment is required, America is rich with hobos, hookers, and illegal immigrants. After all, they aren’t really people. Thank you for your time, and money.”
What is good about the speech and what is bad? Please specify so it can be awesome, because someday, a crapple will be in your house and you’d better be grateful.
Next I’d like to discuss my idea of a peewi. It is basically a kiwi inserted into some ones bladder and left to marinate. The peewi will be much less hazardous to the patient then the crapple, seeing as they do not have not have to be removed, and are simply there to marinate in the urine.
Which idea is cooler, and which would you rather eat?
Is there any puns you can tell me about fruits and vegetables that relate to pee and poop?
Thanks.

Okay so my B/F has allergeries to our cat and we have tried just about everything on the market over and under the counter lol pills, nasel strips, nose sprays, we even bought a humidifyer …….getting rid of our cat is NOT an option he’s our baby so anyone got any outta the kitchen type home remedys? or just a secret ud like ta let me n on that has worked fer u?

I’ve tried everything and I just want to know if there’s some big secret weapon. How can I get my man to step up and take on responsibility for himself? I need him to be willing to work as many hrs as me and make as much money as me. How can I encourage him to step up and go for it. I tell him you have to put yourself out there and really sell yourself in this job market to get anybodys attention. He’s shy and easily upset/confrontational /defensive and It’s endlessly frustrating for me to deal with this childish behavior when Ive been more than patient. How can i get through to him?