Affiliate Marketing Secrets

Okay so another user told me and i have alot of grammatical errors and i know its because this is a draft. Right now i am asking about the concept and over view of the essay.
What do you guys think? I really need to know if this is good enough to submit.
Thank you!!
Here it is,
She’s on the Market
She gaped at it for hours. It appeared too seductive for her to keep her little hazel eyes away. There were many different sizes for it. She always thought the one she had was just right. She was enamored by it’s intellect. It had broadened her mind and disclosed many new notions about the world she lived in. It told her secrets, things her parents and teachers would hide from her because she was young. Everyday it would teach her something new and add to her imagination. Invariably, her parent’s tried to keep her away from it. Luckily, they failed to. Her adoration for it was too dynamic to be broken. Television was her life. It was the love of her life. She knew that she was born part of the media world and nothing could ever change that.
Years have passed now, and this little girl’s passion for media and television has not yet departed. On the contrary, it has only become stronger. She had spent her middle school and high school years taking roles in the Sound of Music and Man of La Mancha. In her junior, she ran a campaign to be senior class president, and won. At an Annual Interstate Speech competition she placed first. Senior year, she was responsible for creating and designer the senior fashion show at her private school. She spent her past summer volunteering at a Senior Health Care, running programs and activities for the elderly. She has recently developed a passion for web designing and has become a freelance web designer.
For the past year or so, she’s has been working in the heart of midtown Manhattan as a Catering Director. Her main responsibilities were targeting major companies in New York City and discussing their catering options. She was in charge of marketing the companies’ food services, trying to make the business grow. In her office, she would sit for hours making cold calls until she nearly ran out of breath. She knew once she had reached a name, or the person in charge of food services, that she had found her target. For days, weeks, and sometimes months she would patiently email the target with follow-ups, advertisements, which she would create on her own, about the companies’ services. After offering discounts, sending complementary lunches, coping with the client’s schedules, she would finally receive an email with a date for the presentation from the company.
She became enlightened by the corporate world. She visited corporate office for companies likes Aeropostale, Michael Kors, Kate Spade, Mac Cosmetics, Diesel, Donna Karan and many more! Not only did she get the wonderful experience of providing the Directors, CEO’S, Marketers, Financial analysts, etc. with presentations but also, she got to work with them. She catered for their needs. She listened to their requests and helped provide satisfactory prices to meet their budgets needs. She created proposals for their events and even catered emergency orders at six in the morning. She developed new marketing tactics and grew a passion for the field. Best of all, she created a good client relationship. Her clients in the media, cosmetics, and fashion industry are what inspired her to follow her dream. When she visited them during fashion week or during holidays to give thanks for their services, they had raised her aspiration. The best part was that she saw that they could work with fashion and advertising at the same time. She dreams of the day she will be able to work in a corporation like those.
So, if you haven’t already heard, she’s on the market. She’s motivated, ambitious, and audacious. There are probably thousands of applicants to choose from for the advertising and marketing communications section at FIT. So, what differentiates her from the rest of the applicants? This girl is ready to use her creativity to bring a new era of advertising and marketing the Media industry. She wants her work displayed and advertised on billboard and in T.V commercials. She wants to work for a fortune 500 companies. She wants to take part in your AMA (American Marketing Association program). She wants to follow her dream. She’s ready to betray her mistress for her career. She’s ready for the competitions of the media world. And she really wants be your next FIT candidate. So what are you waiting for? Products don’t stay on the market forever. Accept her now and you are guaranteed an excellent addition to your school.
*Shipping and handling not included..

This is for a college essay, and I’m looking for fluency, mechanics, grammatical errors, etc. I can’t print it and I know I tend to slack in proofreading when I’ve written and fully understand what I’m trying to talk about. Anyhow,
A pair of white lights, blinding, fixed on me. Sniffling, I made the decision, the curious decision not to wipe my eyes. Watery, my lips pulled into a pathetic quiver I brought my head up to look at the vehicle. It was also white, grayed by the darkness of the night for the place I’d chosen to stroll was oddly devoid of streetlamps. Without their comforting glow my heart raced as I focused on the white, only to turn my head and watch as they became red, my wordless plea ignored for the fourth or fifth time.
Today, I had decided somewhere along the line was my boiling point. The rising action in the least linear story (a Kurt Vonnegut-esque tale of dramatics and my being led by a surprising lack of personal knowledge) was fixed on this being the day where I would finally tell everyone about the building pressure within me. I’d say, confidently and eloquently with hand gestures that my former speech and debate team would be proud of, “My life is at a rough spot. I need help, and I don’t need you to understand but I need you to respect me and to listen.” It was true. I was having all the success of someone attempting to push a heavy object past a carpet and my stamina was exhausted. I was exhausted.
The life I’d lived was by no means simple. One usually gathered that when they asked where my mother was and I told them cheerfully that I didn’t know. My grandmother was her quasi replacement, though I saw her as a grandmother rather than any sort of mother figure. Ironically, I’d been more of a mother than she was, raising three siblings much younger than me for several years. Her sharp reprimanding hand and personal troubles ensured that things weren’t easy, but in retrospect it served as a huge distraction. It was like someone pinching you to distract from a mild and constant headache, cauliflower bruised skin a weathered reminder of its convenience. However, her constant presence and penchant for causing trouble inadvertently affected me that night, though I’d been living away from her for roughly seven years.
My father did not understand. I had not expected him to as I poured out my heart. I spoke of a non-congruency within my mind, of social isolation and awkwardness and physical confusion. My interest in medicine, two or three years running had led me to a surprising dead end, though I did find the terms a few times on the internet and in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (IV) but the conclusion was painful and I merely scoffed at the time.
I was not smiling, or doing anything that resembled it. Almost as I began my voice wavered dangerously, my eyes locked on his due to my training in speaking but constantly interrupted by blinking. I told him in a rushed way about the hours I spent alone at night thinking about life. Speaking slowly, I told him that I had personal image issues. They reflected in my faux nonchalant attitude about grades and in my interactions with others. I grinned a lot even though my teeth were never immaculate, so people had the general assumption that I’d achieved the average level of teenage happiness that comes with constant company, risqué choices, and the leeching lifestyle that many would dream of. I had company of a few constant friends, but hardly during the daytime outside of school. My niche was shrinking—my friends finding new friends in ways I was slightly numb to. I missed them actively, but was inactive, lethargic. I wanted so many things, but mostly happiness.